i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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