it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
