drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
