I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
