you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
