Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
