and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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