the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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