my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
