I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
