God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
