My friends, they love my intelligence
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I will be naked everywhere
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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