what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
