Your dad touched me again.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
