I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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