Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
