So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
