Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
