Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
