I'm drive I can fine osifer
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
