I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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