he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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