Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
