My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How does one acquire holy water?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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