Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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