Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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