we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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