Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
