I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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