Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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