The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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