not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
