It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
