awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
handjob tips. give me some.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
