Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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