I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
