The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
