i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
