Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
