My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
