i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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