drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize