in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
