I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
