i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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