Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
