btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
