My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
