I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
