where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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